In It To Win It

In order to finish our journeys well as foster and adoptive parents, we have to learn to forgive our children...

In fact, I'd dare say this needs to happen weekly, or daily in some circumstances. This week, one of my children stole from me. And believe me, it wasn't their first rodeo. To top it off, while he was living out his consequence for theft (and had received an amped up one because he's now older and knows way better), he stole again. 

There are times in our parenting of kids from broken places when all we want to do is find a dark closet, shut the door, curl into a ball and cry, hiding from all of the demands, frustrations, anger, sadness and fear that we are daily confronted with. But, as someone wise recently told me, "this isn't your forever". That bad day, that bad thing, the behavior, the violence, that hole in the wall, that broken lamp (the 29th one by the same child) is not your forever. Seasons change. People change. Life changes. Such is the nature of our existence. So, this isn't your forever, but is there a way to speed up some progress? 

If we want to see faster change and breakthrough in our families, we must forgive our children. I mean REALLY forgive them. 

You know that child - the one who causes you the most grief? Who directs the most hostility and RAD backlash at you when you extend your love for the 50,000th time? Well, some of us have at least two of those in our home lol. And sometimes we might feel like, "God, are you joking me? This is my life??" 

But I have found the thing that slows change and breakthrough the MOST in our families is the lack of forgiveness. When we fail to actively forgive and keep current with our Savior regarding our own failures as parents, our guilt and shame, and our grave disappointments in the choices our kids make daily despite all of our best efforts, we literally stop progress in our home. We allow the enemy of our souls a place to camp out in our family and to perpetuate wrong thinking, wrong actions and to stop all hope. 

Hope is like oxygen to us as foster and adoptive parents, isn't it? I mean, if for one second we start thinking "this kid doesn't have a chance", and "none of my efforts are going to make one bit of difference", then we just want to quit, right? We become disalusioned and a victim to our children's trauma. 

We are not and cannot afford to be victims of our children's trauma if we want to see lasting victory in our families. 

I'm making a spiritual jump by faith and saying that if unforgiveness hinders progress and healing in our families, than actively and purposely forgiving speeds up progress and positive change. Don't let your natural mind cancel out the raw power of forgiveness and release when it comes to YOUR child. Forgiveness is a spiritual reality that supersedes the person and the sin. Jesus knew the power of this, of course. He died so that we would be forgiven. He even released forgiveness OUT LOUD to the Father for those who had violently tortured him. 

So I'll tell you what I did tonight and maybe you can draw from it. I confessed my unforgiveness, pain, disappointment and general dislike of my child(ren). I forgave them OUT LOUD but PRIVATELY to the Lord. I asked the Father God to forgive me of holding back my forgiveness upon my child because they don't deserve it, when He so graciously pours His love and forgiveness upon me. I asked God to bless my child and our relationship, their emotions, body, mind, spirit, soul and future. Then, the cool part is, I felt hope again. And then the best part was: I got to go to my child and pray with him, blessing him with all of the newfound hope I'd received. Speaking good things over him instead of the daily disappointments. 

I invite you to remember forgiveness again. You've known it throughout different times in your lives - the power and freedom that comes. But remember to incorporate it into your day. Our children's sins are many and daily. But ours are too. So let's keep current with Jesus, the author of our faith, who promises to finish the good works He has started in us and in our children. 

Dear Jesus, I pray for the dear parents who read this. I ask that You would give us the courage to lay our pain down at Your feet and to actively and willfully forgive the children you've entrusted into our care. I pray freedom and hope upon our homes. I pray for new grace and mercy that comes with knowing this is not our 'forever' and You can and do change lives. I bless us in Your powerful name: with unity and peace in our families, hope and joy, love and trust, and passion to continue out this mission. 

In Jesus' Mighty Name,

Amen 

The Fantasy-Mom Fail... And just in time for Christmas.

The dream of the 'mom I always knew I'd be' pretty much got broken into pieces and thrown away with my sons' destroyed toys over the last three years. 

At age 11, I started babysitting full time, I taught Sunday schools, went on missions trips to work in orphanages, got involved in child organizations and even worked with children in social work for ten years.  Bla. Bla. Bla. I was told how patient and sweet I was, and I knew I was a natural with children. I was told how any child would be lucky to have me as a mom.  Let's face it, I had the nerves of steel! No really, I did.   

Then, I became a foster parent. I had very sick babies due to the drug exposure and prematurity. One baby coded in my arms. Thankfully, she survived. Then one day, two toddlers came to my house through foster care, and one of them never left. Then another day, two older boys came to my home...and never left.  And then very shortly after, a baby girl toddler came, and she hasn't left either.  

So now when I think of myself as a mom, I no longer envision myself with a bright smile and sparkling eyes; nor golden hair being tousled around my shoulders as I gleefully pick up my children and swing them around, laughing and making them feel like the best things that ever happened to me.

I envision the old lady who lived in the shoe who had so many children that she literally did not know what the heck to do. I do NOT remember that lady being pretty or smiling at all.  And I don't remember her happily dancing around with her makeup fixed.  I'm pretty sure she was a foster mom. 

Parenting system kids comes with unique stressors, behaviors and diagnoses that is unlike parenting biological children. Whoever you thought you were or would be as a parent, you've got to lay that down and find a new normal. A new "you". We're not failures. We're warriors. We're foster-adopt parents.

The ugly truth is, most foster and adoptive moms I've had deep conversation with have admitted to me that they struggle with not being able to be the mom they had always dreamed of being, or even the mom they were to their biological kids before they fostered or adopted.  There is a grief that comes with watching yourself, like an out-of-body experience, say things you'd never thought would come out of your mouth to your children, watching yourself behave in ways you never knew you were capable of, watching yourself turn into a desperate monster on some days, just trying to make it through the day. And frankly, the truth is you would never normally act in these ways except for the unique pressures that inherently come with being a foster/adoptive parent. Please hear me when I say ALL PARENTS STRUGGLE. And BEING A PARENT IS EXTREMELY HARD. However, when children come from backgrounds infused with violence, sexual abuse, drugs, and major neglect, their trauma seeks to suck you dry like a leech. You find yourself so easily being pulled into their trauma vortex, instead of being able to pull them into the safety and love of who you are and what your home represents.

Our kids come with trauma and attachment issues that drive them to behave in ways that are tailored to make us react as crazy people. The trauma within them seeks to drive wedges between trust and love. It does everything within its power to make sure their worthless feelings about themselves are validated through us.

These are the things no one wants to talk about.  This is when the rubber meets the road, bounces off comes back and hits you in the face.  This is when resentment toward "typical" families can build and parents can find themselves isolating and not wanting to hang out with friends who aren't in the same position.  This is when depression occurs.  Let's face it, when I'm at typical mom's groups, when I bust out with the latest violent outburst that my son committed, or the nightly food hoarding or the latest trauma-pooping-of-the-pants-story, I get a few looks. LOL

About a year into taking our highly-medicated, older boys with long lists of issues, I had to say goodbye to my Fantasy-Mommy.  I actually booted her off a cliff.  Why? I had an epiphany. I needed to survive this. Surviving this meant letting go of my lofty expectations of how I was able to deal with "typical" children. 

We have to survive our children's' trauma and life with them. We need to come out as not only survivors, but thrivers.  This means a different type of parenting, a different kind of thinking, and NO MORE GUILT. 

Our marriages, our psyches, our homes, our spiritual lives: they all need to thrive past these seasons. One day, our kids will be grown and gone. Who will you be?

That's right. No. more. guilt. Let these scriptures wash over you tonight and let the Father's love embrace you. No matter the mistakes you've made, no matter the level you perceive yourself to have failed, you are a daughter (or son) of the King. When He looks at you, He sees perfection. He sees Jesus. He knows your limits. He knows your needs. He knows how badly you want to be the best parent for your children. So push the fantasy off the cliff.  It's not real. But you are and what you've been called to, God will gift you for. You are a warrior, not a failure. You are in a war that only us fellow soldiers understand. And by grace and lots of mistakes,  there is no judgment here. 

Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

Romans 8:14-15 - "For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your ADOPTION to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

Romans 8:16-17 - "The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children...if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

Romans 8:18 - "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Romans 8:26-27 - "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God."

Romans 8:37 - "No, in all these things we are MORE than conquerors through him who loved us."

Romans 8:38 - "For I am convinced that neither death or life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

You are LOVED. Rest in God's love and live moment by moment, not in your mistakes. His mercies are new every morning. 

Prayer:

Jesus, please wash over each parent with Your sweet love as they read this.  We need You to remind us of who we are in You. We need You to help us to say goodbye to perfection and striving and to help us to love and appreciate the parents we've become by overcoming great odds with our children. We need You to restore our souls where the fight has wounded us.  Please come upon us now with Your Holy Spirit, and give us peace, wisdom and grace.

Amen

Someday.

Seeing your child in uncontrollable pain is like clenching your teeth until they shatter. 

It’s like swinging an ax into a pine with a 4-foot girth over and over and over again until your hands are bloodied and all 85 feet of glory come crashing down. 

Seeing your child in pain is like smashing every square inch of glass out of every window in your home. 

These are things I picture when I have to watch MY child in horrific heart-pain. These are things I wish I could do instead. Of. Watching. My. Child. Suffer.

My child was in severe emotional pain, very recently.  He sobbed and sobbed and could barely get the words “mommy” from his sweet, tear-flooded mouth.  

You see, my child lost in the womb when he had no control over the substances that invaded his body.  My child lost when he entered the world addicted and traumatized by violence.  My child lost as an infant when his mother made horrible choices.  My child lost when the trauma and horrors of life split him from his brother.  My child lost when his sibling and he were permanently separated into different growing-up homes. 

My child came face to face with his losses again, recently. And this time, something broke. The tears of loss sloshed up against the wall of that great dam. And then, a crack. 

Split. 

Break...

             .......

                    ...........The tears came crashing down like rivers on his cheeks. 

A flood.

I’m all he has left: The strange lady whose lap he was plopped into down at the CPS building two and a half years ago. The foster mommy that started taking long walks with him and showing him life and animals. The cook that fed him vegetables and fruits and yummy healthy treats. The playmate that sat in the sunshine eating popsicles and singing silly songs. The mommy that rocked him as he kicked and bit, spit and scratched, screamed and growled to get away from love and trust. 

Damn you, pain. Damn you, abuse. Damn you, loss. Damn you, separation.  You have caused My child pain. 

I wonder if this is how the Lion of Judah feels as he watches His children suffering on this earth. I think it is. I think He feels angry, as I feel angry, and He is waiting for the moment when He can exact His holy judgement on the things that have caused His creation pain. For, He promises that some day. Some. Day. There will be a new heaven and a new earth. 

He promises to wipe every tear from the eyes of His children who have suffered cruelly. 

Tonight, I picture my son sitting in Joy with no more tears. No more pain. Only laughter and bliss. Oh, how I long for that sweet day. 

Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

Father, tonight we come to you with our pain. Please soothe us and comfort us with Your presence - a beautiful prelude to an eternal and real heaven.  Please touch our children - the ones we would smash and chop and break and shatter for. Thank you that Your love is even grittier than ours and that You demonstrated this by watching Your own Son suffer and die, so that He could be raised in splendor and glory and bring all men to Him. Help us in our humanity. Raise us to Kingdom heights with You! In Jesus' holy name. Amen

Woman of few words

Well, I'm happy to say we survived our first full year. First full year of going from one to four children, first full year in the rugged mountains in our new home, first full year filled with surprise diagnosis, and on and on.

I've sat down to write in this blog many times, but I find the longer I do this - be a foster and adoptive mom, the less I feel like I have to say. Many of you who are reading this have known this truth for years. Apparently, I needed to learn this.

Have you suffered heartbreak lately? I have. The details, I have to save for another time. But there is a type of heartbreak as a mother that changes you inside, forever. Whether that change is good or bad, only you can determine. I've vacillated between both, honestly.

There is a fine line between bitterness and brokenness.

If this is depressing you and you don't find it as comforting as an old friend and a warm blanket, then I assure you - you haven't faced it yet.

Jesus said, in Matthew 5, you are blessed when you are poor in spirit: for YOU will inherit heaven. He said you're blessed when you are humble (meek) and don't have to know all of the answers (my paraphrase): YOU will inherit the earth. You're blessed when you cry and ache in pain with loss: because YOU will receive comfort from Jesus. He said you're blessed when you show mercy: He will show YOU mercy.

Father, let us not be afraid of the crushing that comes with love. For Your love for us compelled You to give Your own life. We praise You that Your power dwells in that type of holy love. We praise You that Your perfect love overcomes and drives out all fear. We acknowledge that we, as parents, and our foster and adoptive children are loved by You in this perfect way and that nothing can separate us from the shelter that is Your love. We pray that You would set up a hedge of protection around us and our children - our families, and that You would cancel all assignments against us from the enemy of our souls. I pray these children would grow up to become more in YOU than we could EVER think or imagine- that we would be joyfully surprised at what You can do with our lives and there's. In Jesus' Mighty Name! Amen

Before it Was Broken

"What did it look like before it was broken?"
Her light brown hair danced around as the morning breeze blew. I paused at her sweet question, and carefully held a shattered piece of glass. Well, it was a good memory, for sure. But not like a family heirloom or my wedding china that had also been broken by my kids. Nope. Rather, it was a glass mug from a brewery in Chico, California, where my husband and I took an evening off from foster parenting to go have a date.

"Oh, it was just a glass", I answered, deciding it was too much to explain. I tried to brush her question off and continue with our light conversation. But, I felt jarred.

Moriah and her four sisters were visiting us with their mother, one of my dear friends, at our new home in the mountains. It was a cool summer morning and the girls were helping me pick up trash that a black bear had spilled the night before. That darn bear was on it's 3rd night in a row of destroying our property.

Moriah's question hung in the air. It was something I had wondered about 'my' children since I started working with foster youth and then became a foster and adoptive parent. What were they like before they were neglected, left starving, abused, beaten and violated. The question unlocks a door to grief and sadness that feels overwhelming. What if? What if they had been born into different circumstances- who would they be then?

I imagined the sweet way an average baby is brought into the world: immediately being held so close by their relieved and joy-filled mommy. This holding, in the first few minutes of life, is the kind that whispers to a newborn soul that they mean the whole world to the person who is their whole world, too.  This is soul-surviving, destiny-sealing love.

I imagined my foster toddler receiving healthy meals and prenatal care, in utero, instead of violence, drugs and starvation.

I imagined birth parents rocking my older sons and singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". I taught it to my 7 year old. What if someone had paid attention and listened to their cries? Fed them and bathed them? Cleaned up after them in the night after the stomach flu?

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"
Revelation 21:3-4

What did it feel like when you'd come into the room with your dad, (presuming he was a decent person and you had a healthy relationship) on a good day? Calming? Secure? Happy? Joyful? Maybe you wouldn't talk but would just sit next to him and watch t.v. and all your anxieties would melt...it felt so good to be near him.

Our Father in heaven likens himself to a good Shepherd. A gentle, attentive, loyal, loving and protective Father. Take a second and imagine what it will feel like to be near Him in heaven. Imagine, if you can, sitting in His lap as He wipes the grief and pain of this world away. His presence is so calming and love exudes from Him. You feel so much peace.

Now imagine your child. Your hardened child sitting there. Defiance turns to sadness and exhaustion. Jesus pulls them close and rocks them. He sings songs into their ears and begins to stroke their tired face. You begin to see a look on their face you've never seen....bliss.... peace....complete safety and joy. That is just the beginning of heaven with our Savior for those of us who have suffered and anguished.

The greatest gift we can give to our precious broken treasures is Jesus. He will heal and restore. He will redeem their pain. His experiences of pain and death were redeemed to save an entire humanity. It is such a small thing for a Mighty God to redeem the pain and dysfunction in our children's lives. Pray for them. Pray for creative miracles to happen in their minds. Pray for pathways to heal in their brains, and for brain matter to grow where it had been deprived. Pray for them to surprise the whole world with who Jesus will make them. This is my prayer for my sons.

When Common Sense Just Ain't Workin'! 4.8.14

Does anyone else feel slightly out of control with their foster care journey?  I’m convinced that the way to find out if you’re clausterphobic is to schedule an MRI.  Well, likewise, the way to find out if you need to be in control is to do foster care. There are many things to feel out-of-control about: the judges’ decisions, the parents behaviors around the kids and visits, which social worker you get assigned to, what opinions they hold and actions they take or don’t take.  And, oh yes - our kids’ behaviors and medical needs! 

After hours of behaviorists, mental health, classes, specialized instruction and mentoring, I’ve discovered that the feeling of control is temporary and fleeting.  Although satisfying for the moment, once the illusion is shattered, anger and resentment, disallusionment, helplessness and guilt can set in.

Often, after all tools are exhausted, I find myself resorting to my own common sense.  Mabye what my momma used to say or do.  Maybe what a close friend has suggested.  Once again, this may satisfy our need to feel like we are in control for the moment, but it ultimately passes.

So what do we do about issues that aren’t going away?  How do we live in limbo, walking a tight rope over shark infested waters - places where we’re stuck and at a loss.  We can’t force a child out of their trauma and make them stop smearing feces.  We can’t force the court to make a decision that we feel is in the best interest of the children.  We can’t force birth parents to “get it” and start putting their children’s needs above their own.

James 1:5 ~ “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives GENEROUSLY TO ALL WITHOUT FINDING FAULT, AND IT WILL BE GIVEN TO HIM.”

Let’s encourage each other to ask of God - inquire of Him. Petition him for an answer to a SPECIFIC problem. He knows the bigger picture and it is nothing compared to the power, grace & peace that only He can pour out upon a situation. 

Remember, “Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnesty that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.” - James 5:17-18.

Now, what if Elijah had not prayed?  What if, instead, he just thought about how badly he wished it wouldn’t rain and then worried about it all day long?  What if every time it rained, Elijah just cursed and said, “Dang it! No matter what I do it just rains anyways!”?. I find myself getting stuck in paralysis. The issues can seem overwhelming and hopeless.

Let’s ask of God during this season.  Let’s ask specific things, such as wisdom regarding how to reach a child’s heart and not just “behavior” them… ,which school to enroll them in and which doctor to take them to. Let’s ask Him to reveal the birth parents’ true motivations and anything that needs to come before the courts’ eyes. 

Can  we pray together?
Father God, we are in desperate need of Your wisdom and grace for this battle called foster care.  We are in desperate need of your intervention in our child(ren)s lives, their trauma, their behaviors, and their families of origin.  We pray mercy on their parents and families. But, we pray protection over the kids’ lives, their paths and destinies.  We ask that you would put them and keep them exactly where you want them to be so that they can KNOW YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. We ask that you would protect them from ANY further trauma, abuse and neglect. Please give us creativity, ideas, revelation and PATIENCE. In your precious Son’s name. Amen

~Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.~ James 1:2-4

12.12.13 - "Gray Hair"

"Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life." ~ Proverbs 16:31


Be honest: have you gained even a couple of new gray hairs since entering into the broken world of foster care?? I'm laughing out loud because I know many of you are, too.  It is all too true.  

Currently, my husband and I are caring for three children, two of which we are not getting reimbursed for AT ALL (long story), and are driving two hours a day so they can maintain their school placements.  Did I mention it's December and Christmas is coming up, and that we get 14 mpg? 

God says, through King Solomon, "The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart." Proverbs 17:3  If there's anything that tests my heart and spirit, it's being treated unfairly, or worse yet, watching kids be treated unfairly.

At first glance, the 'gray hair' verse may look like it's saying that we will live longer if we are righteous.  As most of you know, this is Old Testament way of thinking.  In the Hebrew language, the word "life" that is mentioned above means: "path, road, journey, way of life". 

I believe this verse is meant to encourage us along our path.  It is not the pretty, easy and smooth life that produces character. If you're growing some gray hair right now because of foster care and stressful circumstances, just know this means you are walking a beautiful path.  Your reward will be great in heaven. Jesus said, "And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward." ~ Matthew 10:42. 

I needed to hear that today.  I hope it blessed you, too.  

Dear Jesus, 
You are the ONLY wise God, and the ONLY one who is fully just and fully loving at the same time.  Please give us sacrificial hearts that are willing to endure through the hardships for these precious children.  You are the reason we live and breath.   You are the reason we do what we do.  Please provide for your children,  bless them and heal them.  We glorify your name and entrust you with the least of these, Lord.
In Jesus' Holy Name.
Amen.