The Fantasy-Mom Fail... And just in time for Christmas.

The dream of the 'mom I always knew I'd be' pretty much got broken into pieces and thrown away with my sons' destroyed toys over the last three years. 

At age 11, I started babysitting full time, I taught Sunday schools, went on missions trips to work in orphanages, got involved in child organizations and even worked with children in social work for ten years.  Bla. Bla. Bla. I was told how patient and sweet I was, and I knew I was a natural with children. I was told how any child would be lucky to have me as a mom.  Let's face it, I had the nerves of steel! No really, I did.   

Then, I became a foster parent. I had very sick babies due to the drug exposure and prematurity. One baby coded in my arms. Thankfully, she survived. Then one day, two toddlers came to my house through foster care, and one of them never left. Then another day, two older boys came to my home...and never left.  And then very shortly after, a baby girl toddler came, and she hasn't left either.  

So now when I think of myself as a mom, I no longer envision myself with a bright smile and sparkling eyes; nor golden hair being tousled around my shoulders as I gleefully pick up my children and swing them around, laughing and making them feel like the best things that ever happened to me.

I envision the old lady who lived in the shoe who had so many children that she literally did not know what the heck to do. I do NOT remember that lady being pretty or smiling at all.  And I don't remember her happily dancing around with her makeup fixed.  I'm pretty sure she was a foster mom. 

Parenting system kids comes with unique stressors, behaviors and diagnoses that is unlike parenting biological children. Whoever you thought you were or would be as a parent, you've got to lay that down and find a new normal. A new "you". We're not failures. We're warriors. We're foster-adopt parents.

The ugly truth is, most foster and adoptive moms I've had deep conversation with have admitted to me that they struggle with not being able to be the mom they had always dreamed of being, or even the mom they were to their biological kids before they fostered or adopted.  There is a grief that comes with watching yourself, like an out-of-body experience, say things you'd never thought would come out of your mouth to your children, watching yourself behave in ways you never knew you were capable of, watching yourself turn into a desperate monster on some days, just trying to make it through the day. And frankly, the truth is you would never normally act in these ways except for the unique pressures that inherently come with being a foster/adoptive parent. Please hear me when I say ALL PARENTS STRUGGLE. And BEING A PARENT IS EXTREMELY HARD. However, when children come from backgrounds infused with violence, sexual abuse, drugs, and major neglect, their trauma seeks to suck you dry like a leech. You find yourself so easily being pulled into their trauma vortex, instead of being able to pull them into the safety and love of who you are and what your home represents.

Our kids come with trauma and attachment issues that drive them to behave in ways that are tailored to make us react as crazy people. The trauma within them seeks to drive wedges between trust and love. It does everything within its power to make sure their worthless feelings about themselves are validated through us.

These are the things no one wants to talk about.  This is when the rubber meets the road, bounces off comes back and hits you in the face.  This is when resentment toward "typical" families can build and parents can find themselves isolating and not wanting to hang out with friends who aren't in the same position.  This is when depression occurs.  Let's face it, when I'm at typical mom's groups, when I bust out with the latest violent outburst that my son committed, or the nightly food hoarding or the latest trauma-pooping-of-the-pants-story, I get a few looks. LOL

About a year into taking our highly-medicated, older boys with long lists of issues, I had to say goodbye to my Fantasy-Mommy.  I actually booted her off a cliff.  Why? I had an epiphany. I needed to survive this. Surviving this meant letting go of my lofty expectations of how I was able to deal with "typical" children. 

We have to survive our children's' trauma and life with them. We need to come out as not only survivors, but thrivers.  This means a different type of parenting, a different kind of thinking, and NO MORE GUILT. 

Our marriages, our psyches, our homes, our spiritual lives: they all need to thrive past these seasons. One day, our kids will be grown and gone. Who will you be?

That's right. No. more. guilt. Let these scriptures wash over you tonight and let the Father's love embrace you. No matter the mistakes you've made, no matter the level you perceive yourself to have failed, you are a daughter (or son) of the King. When He looks at you, He sees perfection. He sees Jesus. He knows your limits. He knows your needs. He knows how badly you want to be the best parent for your children. So push the fantasy off the cliff.  It's not real. But you are and what you've been called to, God will gift you for. You are a warrior, not a failure. You are in a war that only us fellow soldiers understand. And by grace and lots of mistakes,  there is no judgment here. 

Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

Romans 8:14-15 - "For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your ADOPTION to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

Romans 8:16-17 - "The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children...if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

Romans 8:18 - "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Romans 8:26-27 - "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God."

Romans 8:37 - "No, in all these things we are MORE than conquerors through him who loved us."

Romans 8:38 - "For I am convinced that neither death or life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

You are LOVED. Rest in God's love and live moment by moment, not in your mistakes. His mercies are new every morning. 

Prayer:

Jesus, please wash over each parent with Your sweet love as they read this.  We need You to remind us of who we are in You. We need You to help us to say goodbye to perfection and striving and to help us to love and appreciate the parents we've become by overcoming great odds with our children. We need You to restore our souls where the fight has wounded us.  Please come upon us now with Your Holy Spirit, and give us peace, wisdom and grace.

Amen

Someday.

Seeing your child in uncontrollable pain is like clenching your teeth until they shatter. 

It’s like swinging an ax into a pine with a 4-foot girth over and over and over again until your hands are bloodied and all 85 feet of glory come crashing down. 

Seeing your child in pain is like smashing every square inch of glass out of every window in your home. 

These are things I picture when I have to watch MY child in horrific heart-pain. These are things I wish I could do instead. Of. Watching. My. Child. Suffer.

My child was in severe emotional pain, very recently.  He sobbed and sobbed and could barely get the words “mommy” from his sweet, tear-flooded mouth.  

You see, my child lost in the womb when he had no control over the substances that invaded his body.  My child lost when he entered the world addicted and traumatized by violence.  My child lost as an infant when his mother made horrible choices.  My child lost when the trauma and horrors of life split him from his brother.  My child lost when his sibling and he were permanently separated into different growing-up homes. 

My child came face to face with his losses again, recently. And this time, something broke. The tears of loss sloshed up against the wall of that great dam. And then, a crack. 

Split. 

Break...

             .......

                    ...........The tears came crashing down like rivers on his cheeks. 

A flood.

I’m all he has left: The strange lady whose lap he was plopped into down at the CPS building two and a half years ago. The foster mommy that started taking long walks with him and showing him life and animals. The cook that fed him vegetables and fruits and yummy healthy treats. The playmate that sat in the sunshine eating popsicles and singing silly songs. The mommy that rocked him as he kicked and bit, spit and scratched, screamed and growled to get away from love and trust. 

Damn you, pain. Damn you, abuse. Damn you, loss. Damn you, separation.  You have caused My child pain. 

I wonder if this is how the Lion of Judah feels as he watches His children suffering on this earth. I think it is. I think He feels angry, as I feel angry, and He is waiting for the moment when He can exact His holy judgement on the things that have caused His creation pain. For, He promises that some day. Some. Day. There will be a new heaven and a new earth. 

He promises to wipe every tear from the eyes of His children who have suffered cruelly. 

Tonight, I picture my son sitting in Joy with no more tears. No more pain. Only laughter and bliss. Oh, how I long for that sweet day. 

Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

Father, tonight we come to you with our pain. Please soothe us and comfort us with Your presence - a beautiful prelude to an eternal and real heaven.  Please touch our children - the ones we would smash and chop and break and shatter for. Thank you that Your love is even grittier than ours and that You demonstrated this by watching Your own Son suffer and die, so that He could be raised in splendor and glory and bring all men to Him. Help us in our humanity. Raise us to Kingdom heights with You! In Jesus' holy name. Amen

Woman of few words

Well, I'm happy to say we survived our first full year. First full year of going from one to four children, first full year in the rugged mountains in our new home, first full year filled with surprise diagnosis, and on and on.

I've sat down to write in this blog many times, but I find the longer I do this - be a foster and adoptive mom, the less I feel like I have to say. Many of you who are reading this have known this truth for years. Apparently, I needed to learn this.

Have you suffered heartbreak lately? I have. The details, I have to save for another time. But there is a type of heartbreak as a mother that changes you inside, forever. Whether that change is good or bad, only you can determine. I've vacillated between both, honestly.

There is a fine line between bitterness and brokenness.

If this is depressing you and you don't find it as comforting as an old friend and a warm blanket, then I assure you - you haven't faced it yet.

Jesus said, in Matthew 5, you are blessed when you are poor in spirit: for YOU will inherit heaven. He said you're blessed when you are humble (meek) and don't have to know all of the answers (my paraphrase): YOU will inherit the earth. You're blessed when you cry and ache in pain with loss: because YOU will receive comfort from Jesus. He said you're blessed when you show mercy: He will show YOU mercy.

Father, let us not be afraid of the crushing that comes with love. For Your love for us compelled You to give Your own life. We praise You that Your power dwells in that type of holy love. We praise You that Your perfect love overcomes and drives out all fear. We acknowledge that we, as parents, and our foster and adoptive children are loved by You in this perfect way and that nothing can separate us from the shelter that is Your love. We pray that You would set up a hedge of protection around us and our children - our families, and that You would cancel all assignments against us from the enemy of our souls. I pray these children would grow up to become more in YOU than we could EVER think or imagine- that we would be joyfully surprised at what You can do with our lives and there's. In Jesus' Mighty Name! Amen