Before it Was Broken

"What did it look like before it was broken?"
Her light brown hair danced around as the morning breeze blew. I paused at her sweet question, and carefully held a shattered piece of glass. Well, it was a good memory, for sure. But not like a family heirloom or my wedding china that had also been broken by my kids. Nope. Rather, it was a glass mug from a brewery in Chico, California, where my husband and I took an evening off from foster parenting to go have a date.

"Oh, it was just a glass", I answered, deciding it was too much to explain. I tried to brush her question off and continue with our light conversation. But, I felt jarred.

Moriah and her four sisters were visiting us with their mother, one of my dear friends, at our new home in the mountains. It was a cool summer morning and the girls were helping me pick up trash that a black bear had spilled the night before. That darn bear was on it's 3rd night in a row of destroying our property.

Moriah's question hung in the air. It was something I had wondered about 'my' children since I started working with foster youth and then became a foster and adoptive parent. What were they like before they were neglected, left starving, abused, beaten and violated. The question unlocks a door to grief and sadness that feels overwhelming. What if? What if they had been born into different circumstances- who would they be then?

I imagined the sweet way an average baby is brought into the world: immediately being held so close by their relieved and joy-filled mommy. This holding, in the first few minutes of life, is the kind that whispers to a newborn soul that they mean the whole world to the person who is their whole world, too.  This is soul-surviving, destiny-sealing love.

I imagined my foster toddler receiving healthy meals and prenatal care, in utero, instead of violence, drugs and starvation.

I imagined birth parents rocking my older sons and singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". I taught it to my 7 year old. What if someone had paid attention and listened to their cries? Fed them and bathed them? Cleaned up after them in the night after the stomach flu?

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"
Revelation 21:3-4

What did it feel like when you'd come into the room with your dad, (presuming he was a decent person and you had a healthy relationship) on a good day? Calming? Secure? Happy? Joyful? Maybe you wouldn't talk but would just sit next to him and watch t.v. and all your anxieties would melt...it felt so good to be near him.

Our Father in heaven likens himself to a good Shepherd. A gentle, attentive, loyal, loving and protective Father. Take a second and imagine what it will feel like to be near Him in heaven. Imagine, if you can, sitting in His lap as He wipes the grief and pain of this world away. His presence is so calming and love exudes from Him. You feel so much peace.

Now imagine your child. Your hardened child sitting there. Defiance turns to sadness and exhaustion. Jesus pulls them close and rocks them. He sings songs into their ears and begins to stroke their tired face. You begin to see a look on their face you've never seen....bliss.... peace....complete safety and joy. That is just the beginning of heaven with our Savior for those of us who have suffered and anguished.

The greatest gift we can give to our precious broken treasures is Jesus. He will heal and restore. He will redeem their pain. His experiences of pain and death were redeemed to save an entire humanity. It is such a small thing for a Mighty God to redeem the pain and dysfunction in our children's lives. Pray for them. Pray for creative miracles to happen in their minds. Pray for pathways to heal in their brains, and for brain matter to grow where it had been deprived. Pray for them to surprise the whole world with who Jesus will make them. This is my prayer for my sons.

When Common Sense Just Ain't Workin'! 4.8.14

Does anyone else feel slightly out of control with their foster care journey?  I’m convinced that the way to find out if you’re clausterphobic is to schedule an MRI.  Well, likewise, the way to find out if you need to be in control is to do foster care. There are many things to feel out-of-control about: the judges’ decisions, the parents behaviors around the kids and visits, which social worker you get assigned to, what opinions they hold and actions they take or don’t take.  And, oh yes - our kids’ behaviors and medical needs! 

After hours of behaviorists, mental health, classes, specialized instruction and mentoring, I’ve discovered that the feeling of control is temporary and fleeting.  Although satisfying for the moment, once the illusion is shattered, anger and resentment, disallusionment, helplessness and guilt can set in.

Often, after all tools are exhausted, I find myself resorting to my own common sense.  Mabye what my momma used to say or do.  Maybe what a close friend has suggested.  Once again, this may satisfy our need to feel like we are in control for the moment, but it ultimately passes.

So what do we do about issues that aren’t going away?  How do we live in limbo, walking a tight rope over shark infested waters - places where we’re stuck and at a loss.  We can’t force a child out of their trauma and make them stop smearing feces.  We can’t force the court to make a decision that we feel is in the best interest of the children.  We can’t force birth parents to “get it” and start putting their children’s needs above their own.

James 1:5 ~ “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives GENEROUSLY TO ALL WITHOUT FINDING FAULT, AND IT WILL BE GIVEN TO HIM.”

Let’s encourage each other to ask of God - inquire of Him. Petition him for an answer to a SPECIFIC problem. He knows the bigger picture and it is nothing compared to the power, grace & peace that only He can pour out upon a situation. 

Remember, “Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnesty that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.” - James 5:17-18.

Now, what if Elijah had not prayed?  What if, instead, he just thought about how badly he wished it wouldn’t rain and then worried about it all day long?  What if every time it rained, Elijah just cursed and said, “Dang it! No matter what I do it just rains anyways!”?. I find myself getting stuck in paralysis. The issues can seem overwhelming and hopeless.

Let’s ask of God during this season.  Let’s ask specific things, such as wisdom regarding how to reach a child’s heart and not just “behavior” them… ,which school to enroll them in and which doctor to take them to. Let’s ask Him to reveal the birth parents’ true motivations and anything that needs to come before the courts’ eyes. 

Can  we pray together?
Father God, we are in desperate need of Your wisdom and grace for this battle called foster care.  We are in desperate need of your intervention in our child(ren)s lives, their trauma, their behaviors, and their families of origin.  We pray mercy on their parents and families. But, we pray protection over the kids’ lives, their paths and destinies.  We ask that you would put them and keep them exactly where you want them to be so that they can KNOW YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. We ask that you would protect them from ANY further trauma, abuse and neglect. Please give us creativity, ideas, revelation and PATIENCE. In your precious Son’s name. Amen

~Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.~ James 1:2-4