Before it Was Broken

"What did it look like before it was broken?"
Her light brown hair danced around as the morning breeze blew. I paused at her sweet question, and carefully held a shattered piece of glass. Well, it was a good memory, for sure. But not like a family heirloom or my wedding china that had also been broken by my kids. Nope. Rather, it was a glass mug from a brewery in Chico, California, where my husband and I took an evening off from foster parenting to go have a date.

"Oh, it was just a glass", I answered, deciding it was too much to explain. I tried to brush her question off and continue with our light conversation. But, I felt jarred.

Moriah and her four sisters were visiting us with their mother, one of my dear friends, at our new home in the mountains. It was a cool summer morning and the girls were helping me pick up trash that a black bear had spilled the night before. That darn bear was on it's 3rd night in a row of destroying our property.

Moriah's question hung in the air. It was something I had wondered about 'my' children since I started working with foster youth and then became a foster and adoptive parent. What were they like before they were neglected, left starving, abused, beaten and violated. The question unlocks a door to grief and sadness that feels overwhelming. What if? What if they had been born into different circumstances- who would they be then?

I imagined the sweet way an average baby is brought into the world: immediately being held so close by their relieved and joy-filled mommy. This holding, in the first few minutes of life, is the kind that whispers to a newborn soul that they mean the whole world to the person who is their whole world, too.  This is soul-surviving, destiny-sealing love.

I imagined my foster toddler receiving healthy meals and prenatal care, in utero, instead of violence, drugs and starvation.

I imagined birth parents rocking my older sons and singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". I taught it to my 7 year old. What if someone had paid attention and listened to their cries? Fed them and bathed them? Cleaned up after them in the night after the stomach flu?

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"
Revelation 21:3-4

What did it feel like when you'd come into the room with your dad, (presuming he was a decent person and you had a healthy relationship) on a good day? Calming? Secure? Happy? Joyful? Maybe you wouldn't talk but would just sit next to him and watch t.v. and all your anxieties would melt...it felt so good to be near him.

Our Father in heaven likens himself to a good Shepherd. A gentle, attentive, loyal, loving and protective Father. Take a second and imagine what it will feel like to be near Him in heaven. Imagine, if you can, sitting in His lap as He wipes the grief and pain of this world away. His presence is so calming and love exudes from Him. You feel so much peace.

Now imagine your child. Your hardened child sitting there. Defiance turns to sadness and exhaustion. Jesus pulls them close and rocks them. He sings songs into their ears and begins to stroke their tired face. You begin to see a look on their face you've never seen....bliss.... peace....complete safety and joy. That is just the beginning of heaven with our Savior for those of us who have suffered and anguished.

The greatest gift we can give to our precious broken treasures is Jesus. He will heal and restore. He will redeem their pain. His experiences of pain and death were redeemed to save an entire humanity. It is such a small thing for a Mighty God to redeem the pain and dysfunction in our children's lives. Pray for them. Pray for creative miracles to happen in their minds. Pray for pathways to heal in their brains, and for brain matter to grow where it had been deprived. Pray for them to surprise the whole world with who Jesus will make them. This is my prayer for my sons.